Jaunt to Raleigh, NC
By S. D. Nye from Amenia, NY
Amenia April 22nd
After a most affecting parting from my beloved brothers, sisters & friends, I kissed my little sleeping babes and before the sun shone upon my dear native hill bade them farewell, perhaps forever! The morning was beautifully pleasant and my heart felt I know not how. I rode through a country endeared by ten thousand scenes of tenderest recollection. I may never see them again said I, and, my father and mother looked sad; I looked to heaven and was cheerful. As we reached Dover Plain, Brother Ebenezer's house was still dark. We aroused them and entering, kindled a fire and drew round it. Breakfast was soon over for who bidding friends so dear adieu could feel a wish to lengthen the sad repast. Oh, my brother, my sister my beautiful lovely little ones. We must be separated and shall we meet again. Called at Mr. Ketchem's bade them adieu returned to Ebenezer's gave and received the parting kiss and drove away. Oh a parting scene. Called at the Friend's boarding school obtained a letter of introduction for a family in N[ew] York was received with the cordial smile of pleasure, left them with regret. Reached town at 2 oclock called at Mrs. Metzler's bade her adieu and went to dine with Mrs. Bosworth whom I learned with surprise was not going to Carolina. At 4 o'clock came on board the sloop. Capt. Pierce to whom I was introduced and by whom I was treated with polite attention but when my beloved my invalued parents gave me the parting hand when I hung upon their necks and gave and received the parting kiss oh who can tell my anguish! From the bosom of a tranquil home beneath the protection of the best of parents I was thrown upon the watery element consigned to the care of strangers. But heaven was propitious—the night was drizzly and dark, a heavy wind bore us rapidly from my peaceful home. I spent the evening alone in my cabin the other female passengers retired early to bed or engaged themselves at the card table. 'Twas Saturday night. No bible. No PS [psalm] book.
23. Sabbath morning. We found ourselves safely moored in New York after a passage of 9 hours. I felt my lonely situation and walking on deck amidst the forest of masts, the novel spectacle had scarse a charm for me; the harbour filled with shipping from whose lofty masts were floating the colours of the various nations to which they belonged—the wharves crowded with sailors, the elegant stores fronting the bay were tiny objects. I turned from there to gaze with rapture on Governors verdant island whose highly cultivated scenery had been the residence of a cousin beloved—its elegant country seats its impregnable fortress were full before me—its seems almost a paradise but where is Staten Island? Where is my dear Jesse? 9 miles below and I must not see these objects so dear—oh my home! My friends! With a bursting heart I accepted Capt. Pierce's arm and walked up to John Murray's No. 333 Pearl Street—was introduced by my letter from Mr. Thorn and received as a boarder. I will not I cannot tell my gratitude when my letter was accepted, my heart, my eyes were full. Attended Friends meeting with the family, the house though plain is spacious and elegant and was well filled, we sat for a long time silent but within 2 hours heard 2 discourses on by Mr. M. well calculated to arouse the mind and soften the heart.
26. Wednesday 26th. I believe I was never more unhappy than I have been since my residence in New York all the elegance, the taste the splendor I witness are no more to me than the pebbles of the stream or the trees of the forest when I think of the home I have left or the friends. I have forsaken. I walk till I am fatigued and return to my tasteless meals. I think of Amenia and sleep flies! This day gave to my low and dejected bosom—the spring of joy—My cousin, my brother, my friend Jesse Barlow came to see me—oh shall I, can I tell how much I rejoiced to see the features of a friend—a friend I loved with a sisters tenderness—I wept! Oh who would not weep—when supported by his arm I sauntered through the streets how different did they appear manufactures and merchandize of every description took my attention. I gazed upon the elegant buildings & the superb churches with delight but when I passed the park and viewed the new city hall I was half lost in astonishment its magnificence exceeds my powers of description and I leave it for better pens than mine to tell its elegance.
After tea I returned with my cousin to Mr. Bakers where we might feel ourselves more at home than in the family of a rigid friend—whom yet I love for their tenderness. Oh who that never the pang of separation from their homes knows the pleasure of a live long evening spent in retrospection?
27th After a day of idleness amongst the conversation of those who know how to triffle how sweet is the evening walk how dear the conversation a valued friend cousin proposed a view of the walk on the battery where the taste of the corporation is finely displayed amidst grass plots and gravel walks planted or bordered with poplars. The rising tide beat heavily against the ponderous wall and as I looked over the bannistered railing I trembled at the sight of waves which would soon bear me from my native state—the Fort was near and connected to the shore by a bridge at the top of which stood a sentry. My heart beat violently. I know not why, I trembled and shrank yet nearer to my protector smiling at so childish a weakness he returned the soldiers salute and passed into the fort. A circular brick one mounting tier of cannon—I was charmed at the perfect neatness I witnessed. Everything was in order, even the balls were piled in a manner expressive of taste and neatness.
Now what do you think of a soldiers home said Jesse as we left the lovely place—I was happy to express my approbation and reluctantly returned.
28 Mr. Bosworth arrived at 9 o'clock with Susan. I was rejoiced and immediately put on my hat and went on board the Clinton, an old sloop bound for Willmington. Capt. Carver would sail at 11 and without bidding one kind friend adieu I stepped on the tottering bark. My beloved cousin came with me. Oh, twas hard to resign my last friend, but I must bid him farewell. We parted in silence but on my part it was feeling expressive silence—my soul was sad. I cast myself on heavens mercy and wept in silence—Mrs. B. and Susan were in good spirits. The motion of the vessel grew unpleasant. The wind died away to a calm as we past Governors island fort, a most beautiful fort and island. I looked at it, I looked forward, I looked back upon N. York. Oh, heaven thou best can tell with what emotions! Directly the dark clouds rose under the sun, a brisk wind blew, the white caps run over the waves. Staten Island where Jesse so long has held his home lay at my side. I held it with a swelling bosom. Oh, shall I again behold the home of a soldier friend! I wrapped myself in my cloak and seated on the deck viewed the rolling billows destined to convey me far from my native home, or bury me in their bosom. A great many vessels were near us; all anxiously endeavouring to exceed each other in rapidity of sailing—passing over the shoals by the bouys on safety we came to anchor in Pennaieti Cove off Sandy Hook. The sky was completely overcast. The sea was driven into mountains by a severe gale and the Capt. and mate deemed it best to come to anchor. Tea was made, but oh, such tea we never tasted! The motion of the vessel had already affected our stomachs and we began to feel what would be the effects of a voyage.
I retired early to my cabin but tossed on the rolling waves by a heavy gale. I found no comfortable sleep. I gave myself to God. Mrs. Bosworth was deeply alarmed but God is able to protect us I observed and felt no disposition to complain.
29. No one but those who by experience know the distressing sensation of seasickness can tell how languidly I raised by aching head from my rocking couch and attempted to leave my birth. Weakness and giddiness threw me back, but at length I succeeded and crawling to the window saw the dark blue waves rolling before me—Fits of puking succeeded each other. My stomach, my head! Oh, what distress! I gave way to it and cried. Oh, I must die! The craft felt for me and sought to afford relief. Wrapped in my camlet [?] cloak. The last gift of my dear venerable grandmother! Oh, my heart is full at the thought it swells when I exclaim I shall see her no more! Till at the bar of God her spirit wrapped in the Saviours righteousness shall hear the blessed augur of done good and faithful servant enter into the joy of they Lord. Oh, I may be as well prepared. I think I may hope for heaven; but I wander wrapped in my _____ cloak:
The Capt. assisted me on deck and strove to cheer my gloomy spirits. He pointed to the lighthouse and bade me take a last view. Oh shores of N. York. Farewell—and I again dropped my head upon its pillow plank.
In vain Mr. Fonvielle's (an interesting French passengers) polite attentions, in vain, the Mates respectful care, or the Capt. friendly aid, I saw the wind die to a perfect calm, the sea ran high, felt the dreadful tossing of the feeble bark as it mounted toward the sky and again plunged to the bottom. The shores had receded from my view, a boundless expanse of water was before me. My head o how distressed! My heart oh how sad. I arose and strove to retire but too weak. The Capt. came to my aid and supported me to my cabin where distressed and wretched I spent the long long day, my stomach loathed food and my heart refused consolation. Mrs. B and Susan kept their couches all day.
Sabbath 30th Oh how little like this holy day! Wrapped in my long camlet the Capt. helped me up on the quarterdeck where the fine breeze as it swept over the glassy surface of the boundless deep strengthened my attenuated nerves, and by the glittering sunbeams as they were reflected from the silver surface or sparkled in a thousand varying gems cheered my drooping heart, & I looked around saw the dear little Cary's chickens as they seemed to dance on the tossing deep waves, the gull as the[y] dropped out of sight, the hayden as they swam over the deep and I was induced to be a social being ---? [In] the vanity of idle conversation. Sabbath is a holy day but oh how it is profaned.
2nd May 1815
In the latitude of the cape Hatteras little wind except by flows, beating slowly, off and on – sounding every few moments for fear of shoals. This is a squally atmosphere one hour the heavens are involved in clouds the next presents them cloudless clear as a transparent mirror --. The afternoon was beautiful I felt an unusual flow of spirits and entered with vivacity into conversation. At 6 –the sailors supper hour we ordered the tea kettle boiled the cook obeyed but the wind rose and the fire driven in all directions was extinguished the kettle returned to the closet without an excuse. I saw danger was near and with my companions withdrew to the dreary cabin silently committing myself to God. The confusion on deck was inconceivable the night was dark the wind boisterous and the dreadful shoals of Hatteras were at our side.
Soundings were constant and the Capt. as well as sailors felt our danger. No object was visible on deck except when illuminated by the awful glares of lightning. The thunder rolled in awful peals but it could scarsely be heard beneath the mingled mass of sound which rolled on deck, sails, riggings, booms and tackles were continually shifting. I heard and trembled in silence. At 1 o'clock the tempest had gained its violence the rain fell on deck as if the windows of heaven were opened over us, it seemed to descend in streams. The wind had risen to a tremendous hurricane our feeble bark was no more before its violence than a feather against the tide. My cabin window was carried in to the sea. The waves dashed against the ship and I expected momentarily to be deluged in brine. The candle in the main cabin was extinguished by the wind the and we were involved in pitchy darkness, same when the vivid lightnings broad blue flashed, rolled through our dreary apartment. The tinder refused to kindle and our situation beggared description. The Capt. came down to calculate his reckoning and ordered the cabin boy to renew his efforts for a light but it was vain. And now while destruction stood facing us full in sight, Cape H dangerous deathful shoals on one side the Gulf stream on the other in an old weak and crazy vessel without even a single inch of sail, at the mercy of a terrible hurrican, the capt. could so far forget himself as to call down the heaviest curses on his wretched cabin boy.
Oh who would be a cabin boy?
Mrs. Bosworth deeply alarmed came into my room and expressed her opinion of our danger and chance of life appeared every moment to lessen but my mind by divine goodness was now at rest. I felt my awful guilt in the sight of a holy God and tremble at the prospect of eternity but suddenly the cheering call of Come to me
Thrilled my bosom I clasped it to my heart I supplicated to be washed in the Saviours blood and felt an instant anxious change. All all [sic] was peace. I viewed death as certain or almost certain, the light of morning would probably never break upon me till in the eternal world—but fear found no place of entrance into my tranquil bosom, every power of which was now absorbed in contemplating the blessed Redeemer who had never before appeared half so precious. I hugged his righteousness yet closer to my heart and sank to sleep. My God repeat that blissful hour. Those comforts so divine.
Mrs. B again addressed me wrapped in total darkness her forebodings of our fate were melancholy induced. It seemed fast approaching and her spirits sunk beneath it. Aroused from a peaceful sleep I entreated her to patience felt fully persuaded if consistent with the will of the Most High, we should be preserved if not I was perfectly resigned and again I lost my memory in sleep!
On awakening the wind had subsided to a perfect calm. My heart was lifted up in thankful praise; the mercy of the Redeemer was my theme. We had obtained a light from the binnacle the dear light was fastened onto the cabin window – and we had doubled the shoals of Hatteras! Oh enchanting thought! All was peace & joy. The Capt drenched in rain and overcome with fatigue flung himself on his mattress and lost himself in sleep
But soon the scene was changed loud and boisterous call resounded across the deck the Mate rushed into the cabin and begged the Capt ^ for Gods sake to rise instantly for we were on the shoals—daylight had dawned upon them amidst the breakers but the weary Capt could not hear. Mrs. Bosworth sprung up and in deep distress entreated him to rise but in vain—I folded my arms across my bosom and peacefully composed myself for a watery tomb!
But the hand of G seemed extended for our preservation the unwieldy sails which usually required much time to shift providentially tacked in an instant and we were presented with an opportunity of again praising the mercy of God for his protecting care. Oh I said and thought I should always serve him ---
3rd A dead calm today almost all sick on deck all the time for the close cabin is more sickening more distressing than a portion of Tartar emetic. Oh who that has never been to sea knows what must be endured during a calm. The ship its own master floated into the Gulf Stream. I shall not I cannot tell what I felt when we were gitting out of soundings---!
The sails "slatted and cracked" the mast leaned first on one side then on the other. The Capt fears of losing it were not confined to his own bosom, the vessel was old, badly found, and unfit to endure the hardships of a dangerous voyage. We must probably float back to New York again for without a wind the current could not be resisted. I felt much as seated in a chair on the main deck. I reclined my head against the companion way and silently gazed on the dark green waves as we rose to mountain height or sunk into oceans deep recess—God was indeed my refuge. But tossed as we were on the rolling sea my head was giddy, my stomach sick, my spirits low, and I experienced few of those blessful sureties which distinguished last night above every other period of my life --- the sailors suspended their wet clothes & the shrouds and relieved from their watch slept sweetly. Mrs. B. saw a thousand dangers and dared to tell them, while I confined my fears to my own bosom and spoke with cheerfulness—Mr. Fonvielle a passenger of distinction acquainted with sailing expressed his anxiety and not one of all our crew were engaged own last nights preservation oh ungrateful beings.
Toward night the wind breezed a contrary gale and the vessel was able to make some headway all experienced a sensation of pleasure but alas! I fear little of gratitude. The night was beautifully pleasant, sleepless I arose at tem with Mrs. Bosworth to walk on the deck. The wind was briskly wafting us! Over the oceans wave, to a land of strangers. The sky was set with stars; the water seemed studded with brilliants; I gazed with pleasure on the magnificient spectacle and retired with regret to my sleepless pillow. Oh what am I!
Friday 5th (being the 8th day from port) We came in sight of Carolina's smoking tar pits for some time we were at a loss to know their meaning but at last the land have in sight; oh delightful view! I gazed upon it with real pleasure—though mixed with fear for yet I viewed it uncertain whether I should ever reached the shores or not.
I had seen many scenes in my little voyage of which I before had no conception. The dreadful shoals of Hatteras all that was awful in a tempest or terrible in a calm; and now when the harbour was near and a pilot boat at hand my heart danced with joy—I believed we were almost safe –but when I saw the pilots wild eye grow still wilder the Capt anxious gaze and the sailors deep concern my heart beat violently my whole frame shook and my trembly limbs were unable to support me. I looked to heaven –but where was that sweet reliance I felt but a few days before when on the very brink of eternity! Alas my heart was hardened. I felt scarsely able to collect myself enough to give myself into the hands of God –but I did, and my poor shipmates were not forgotten --nor was my home! Oh the dear abode of earthly joys! The sun was setting, the white surf ran thick around us, the tide was ebbing, the rocks which bound this inlet were but 6 inches beneath our keel. Oh it was an hour of danger the next might split our feeble bark on that dreadful rock where many better than ours had gone to pieces! A beautiful fort lay at our right hand, skirted with low evergreens among which a cheerful fire was blazing the scenery was charming but not to me whose bosom thrilled with fear! At length the bar was passed and we were safely moored—Every one on board expressed their joy but it was not (I feared at least) the joy inspired by gratitude.—I retired to my devotions spent the evening in reading and writing.
My Life which thou has made the (own?)
Lord I devote to Thee
6th the boom tackle which had for these 8 tedious nights with one exception beat over my aking head as if it must come through into my cabin, was now at rest and I slept sweetly till the morning was far advanced the anchor weighed and sails hoisted, the passage up the river Clarendon was pleasant through the country was low, sandy and covered with pines, with here and there a scattering plantation one delightful island attracted my attention but as quickly repelled it again when informed that its verdant grass was the resort of the merciless alligator. At 11 oclock we reached Wilmington and bade adieu to Capt. Carver and Mr. Ames –Mate whose attention to us as females, strangers and unprotected excited our gratitude and obtained our esteem. Mr. McLauren Merchant of Wilmington attended us to Mr. Taylor. And during our stay at Willmington treated us with the most distinguished politeness. Wilmington is a confused mass of sand hills with scarsely a spine of grass to cover its barren soil yet shaded by elegant trees, such as Pride of China Live Oak RC Figs pomegrantes JC flourish like wise. Strawberries were in perfection the sand was deep almost over the top of our boots –I was never more fatigued walking.
Sabbath 7th being the 3rd from home attended meeting at Methodist meeting house where the galleries were filled with Africans and half the lower floor. I fear I was not in the spirit on this day. Found much fault with the ignorant impertinent people who stared at us like a new order of beings.
Wilmington is a dreary place buildings bad and apparently going to decay, town lies low, rice fields opposite render it sukly in summer and autumn. Yet the first rank of people to a few of whom I presented were so agreeable that I thought it amost agreeable – our boarding house was an excellent one. Mrs. Taylor is a fine woman though she is gay to a fault and her companion Mrs. Ure a dear good one like wise. They are widows and childless.
9th I bade adieu to my Willmington friends with regret entered the stage with come interesting travelling companions and enjoyed my ride through one of the barrenest parts of our Union better than such circumstances I could have expected—saw something worthy of notice and much to gratify curiosity found the country to bear evident marks of having been the shore of the sea. The soil round white sand covered with pines and cypresses from whose branches hang ash colored moss, after 4 or 5 feet long, if perchance there was any grass it was wine or broom sedge. There were very few plantation on the rout from Fayette to Willmington and those in bad state of cultivation, our traveling accommodations extravagantly high and miserably bad. But mr. Terry taught me to receive everything with pleasure and instead of increasing our troubles by fretfulness to mitigate them by cheerfulness. He seemed a good Methodist. He was certainly an agreeable one. We were 2 days in our route to Fayetteville had a crazy stage which was every moment breaking down yet lasted to land us and how much longer I cannot tell.
On the evening of the 10th we reached the ferry of the Clarendon. It is a lovely place contrasted with the barren territory through which we had passed the river about 150 rods wide is much clearer than the muddy and dark streams over which we have passed, and the majestic ashes and oaks which over hangs its lofty banks so far as the eye can extend form a charming contrast with the pines of the desert. Fayette is pleasantly situated and the buildings much better than those of W. the gardens are elegant. Mr. and Mrs. Turner received us with a cordial smile of welcome, Mrs. T is a northern woman and extremely amiable, the same may be said of her husband who is a Virginian. Their house is the seat of earthly happiness apparently at least –their servants are an exception to the fate of Africans in this land of slaves. Oh the wretched slaves with which the streets of W. are constantly filled ragged almost naked and hungry—What is man? I but alas I do not know even mine own heart.
The meeting between Mrs. Bosworth and Arabella was tender beyond description.
Tears spoke what words could not express.
12 I have been 2 days in this family and have seen considerable part of the town and many of its inhabitants yet I am extremely low spirited and long to get away to a place I may call my home—I have found the people polite and attentive yet I certainly should not wish to live in Fayette where everyday sees a party some where met to pass the time away--
I admire Mr. and Mrs. Turner their politeness and hospitality is worth remembrance and invitation and deserves recompense ---- At eight in the evening while the new moon shone delightfully Mrs. B and myself took our seats once more in the stage bidding the family adieu with regret and looking to heaven for protection—our travelling companion was again by direction of the superior rank—a young gentleman who having entered on board a ship bound for Bordeaux as Mate was suddenly sent for home to Norfolk where his father had fallen a victim to the prevailing epidemic.
Mr. Hockeye felt the loss he had sustained and the importance of religion—I was really grateful for the opportunity of consoling a mind so poingnantly sensible of its misfortunes—at 10 our moon had left us and we drove slowly through the wood after appearing to come to the termination of the road yet still traveling in safety at 3 oclock we came to point so dusky so thick beset trees that it seemed indeed the end! The driver alighted me though to grope the way but it was only to drain the wheel, for the next moment he are ascended his seat and we began the desent. Oh if ever danger was more preminent than escape and accident more than safety it might have be seen it literally seemed that the carriage must roll or tumble over the horses the decent was almost perpendicular. My heart was almost too big for its tenement but my tongue was silent. Mrs. Bosworth could not repress her fears and she as well as Mr. Hockeye censured the driver severely for bringing us here reaching the foot of the precipice Mr. Hockey with difficulty held the horses while the driver unlocked the wheels, oh the terrors of this hour—for a few moments I felt that the danger was past directly the driver acknowledged that not only the descent to the river but even the river itself was dangerous—the passage was dreary indeed. The water came into the stage and every moment our situation became more and more alarming. Unprotected females, strangers, far from our home and friends in the midst of a dangerous stream, in the dark watches of the night. I said should we be driven off the rock into one of the holes (of which there are many) we must be drowned and who would be left to tell our fate. But God was still able to protect us and he brought us out in safety—oh shall I even be sufficiently thankful for all his mercies—my heart was resting on him when in the midst of danger and I commited my friend whom I believed I should no more behold to his guardian care but Mrs. Bosworth severely reprimanded the driver for bringing us this way when a ferry was near ended she said a great deal more than I should have dared to or wished to have said. I thought of my preservation and the goodness of God and wished not to complain.
The night seemed long and I was never more fatigued the roads laying entirely in the woods are terribly bad and one is often flung from her seat. We had too a refractory horse which frightened Mrs. B. and myself extremely and gave the driver much trouble. At 11 on the 13th we reached Raleigh called at the state Hotel changed our dresses was introduced to Dr. Beck with who informed of his aunts arrival came for her and invited her and me to his house, where I dined and went to bed, so overcome with fatigued that could no longer sit up—I was pleased with the family--- At 3 having by a note informed Mr. MacPheeters of me arrival he called to see me and I believe I was never more happy to see an old friend in my life---
He came to attend me to his house where I found his wife to be one of the best women I had ever seen and their sister a fine woman. Many of the misses of the academy were summoned and I led round and introduced to each one particularly---I was deeply embarrassed and though pleased with them was glad to be alone.
14 Went to church and feeling myself a stranger I dared not raise my eyes scarsely to the minister but by stealth. After meeting was introduced to Miss Shaw and Mr. Mrs. M and myself drank tea or rather coffee which is the order of the day here---called on Mrs. Bosworth found her ill and unable to see us; attended prayer meeting at Mr. Shaw's and was introduced to Mrs. Shaw and Mrs. Burch a good old lady who offers herself in the character of a mother
oh my parents shall I meet you on earth?
Like wise to Judge Potter, who shaking my hand cordially assured me he was glad to see me in Raleigh, and I gave him credit for sincerity
15 I entered on the duties of my profession the school has been extremely out of order but gave me no trouble I trust in God for assistance.
19th I have been in school 5 days as yet find no trouble. This afternoon Mrs. Bosworth, Mrs. Beckwith, Mrs. Hawood, and daughters with Mrs. Jordan of Fayette visited at Mr. M I accompanied Dr. B family home and attended the concert with them but I think that I had better spent it at home oh how light and vain is my heart---
20 returned soon after breakfast and in the afternoon called at Mr. Cradep
where I am to board this summer. Mrs. Bosworth, Mrs. Backwitt, and Mrs. Church called with me Mrs. Cradep is a lovely little woman but I do not love to leave Mrs. M and Mrs. Gutherie. Attended a concert of sacred music this evening at the State House—little amusement and no improvement.
21st Sabbath after attending meeting twice today I went accompanied by Mrs. And Mr. M to Mr. Cradeps where I was received with demonstrations of pleasure. It is indeed a good family.
25 I visited at Mrs. Burches slept and breakfasted with her on Saturday morning called on Mrs. Beckwith and returned to find Mrs. Sanders, Mrs. And Mc Lane and Mrs. Spruill and Mrs. Bond engaged to dinner—the inhabitants of this city give great dinners—our company left us before tea and Mrs. Cradep walked with me to Mr. M, Mrs. Guthrie ill today----
Sunday 26 how old and dead are my feeling. I feel so little like worship that even at church I think of everything else dined at Mr. M I do not like this dining abroad on Sabbath days oh what a heart I have, coming out of meeting. Mr. Gales president of the board of Trustees introduced me to Mr. Birch of Philadelphia. He spoke very low and I answered very well. I think you said when he only said ' a pleasant play madam" I was so embarrassed at the provoking---twice that I couldn't get over it, but thought of it even in the midst of my devotions.
Sat 31st visited at Mrs. Bonds with Mrs. Cradep Miss Lee and Miss Spruill pleasantly returned at evening ---- called at Mr. Shaws and was introduced to him and his adopted daughter June Mrs. Burch from Philidelphia
1st Sabbath Oh how low my religious feelings, how few my desires after holiness surely I need some quickening judgement to stir me up to a sense of duty. Mrs. Spruill spent the day at Mr. Cradeps and I read Mr. Newel till we were all deeply affected ----- would to hear we were equally pious.
2nd Examination commenced to day I felt a great deal of embarrassment at the idea of attending and waited till Mr. & Mrs. McPheeters sent for me. The board of Trustees were seated in style when I entered and one of them to whom I had never been introduced rose and politely bowed. I was embarrassed and withdrew to a retired seat. I examined my own classes though with difficulty after the tedious morning was over. I was able to retire but Mr Gales politely introduced me first to Judge Taylor who expressed pleasure at my arrival and then to Mr. Peace and some body besides
3 I am half tired of this dull examination but it is not to close till late in the week. Mr. Burch of Fayetteville spent the evening at Mr. Cradeps he is and excellent and pious man I know not when I ever spent a more improving evening I felt the importance of religion in the conversation of this amount christian
4th I visited at Mrs. Burchs saw Mrs. B from P. an agreeable woman—her husband is an eminent preacher of Philadelphia son of Mrs. B and brother of the one I consider so pious.
5th returning to Mrs. Cradeps I was introduced to Mr. Hillard from the country and Mr. Dosce from Tennessee—Mr. M. insisted on my dining at his house when I became aquainted with Mr. Farrier teacher in the academy and Col. Daniel—in the evening after a short ride we drank tea, and at the state house heard several orations delivered by boys of the academy— amongst the rest one in praise of the female sex I wished myself at home.
Thursday morning Mr. Hillards carriage drove us to the academy and after the morning exercises were through the examination closed satisfactorily and I was at liberty –
A dull week for me
In the afternoon Mrs. Cradep and myself took a stylish airing in Mr. H coach, called on Mrs. Bond, Mrs. Burch, Mrs. Gales, Mrs. Casso, Mrs. Lucas, & Mrs. Cook. In the evening Mrs. C and myself with Mr. Dosce went to the State house to hear a further display of oratory—from which Co. D with politeness usual to him I am told accompanied us home; at all events I was as much embarrassed as obliged.
Friday 9th Assembled with 110 girls members of the academy at the academy from whence we marched to the state H in our Sunday Style the room was crowded with spectators Mrs. Mealy, and myself took a very retired seat, the females upon whom the honours of the school were conferred, were placed upon a stage elegantly fitted up. Judge Taylor orator of the day was seated with them. The trustees were furnished with seats directly in front of the stage. Mr. McPheeters came back and presented the request of the trustees that I should sit with them—after a moments reflection I came forward and trembling with unaffected diffedence took the seat destered for me next to the president. The report was read by Judge T in elegant manner and I by degrees was gaining confidence sufficient to look at the speaker when I unluckily the trustees had thought proper to notice the teachers of the academy and I of course was complimented my embarrasement was now increased higher than ever I covered my face with my handkerch and would gladly have shrunk to the smallest corner of the room— Miss The report being finished the medals and certificates presented Mr. Glynn read Misses White and Little Johns farewell addresses and Miss Haywood cam forward with her own. She is not beautiful but she is interesting and she never appeared more so than when addressing herself to the trustees the teachers of the academy and her companions. I was a composition of merit considerably pathetic. I was deeply affected with the whole but when she addressed me particularly my confusion was completed and I wept behind my handkerchief seveer without restraint. When she had finished Judge Taylor rose and in a most beautiful manner addressed the ladies of the academy the Master and the audience (I believe but I am not certain) his language was pathetic and elegant—I never it heard it exceeded It came to my heart It reached every heart I believe—indeed the heart that would not have been moved when he described the anguish of a parents bosom when pierced by the ingratitude of a dispaged child must have been adamant. The scene closed with a chorus of music. The ladies were not better pleased with a dis??? from their prominient seats than I was with mine—and we all took the first opportunity of removing.
Mr. C and family left town immediately after dinner and I came to Mr MP after dinner we should to Judge Potters Met Mr. Burch in the street he was to leave town tomorrow, and took a formal leave of us all this time as he presented his hand to me I felt the return of all my diffidence, and ----as
he bade me farewell and wished me a happy commission with the people of Raleigh I felt even a regret at the final farewell and half wished a larger acquaintance
10th I made several calls today but now so feeling as one to a poor deranged man next door to Mr. M who with his wife and children have been turned out of their hovel and are without any other shelter than a few board. Mrs. Wells herself placed over bed. Oh wretched man I talked to him upon religion he seemed to hear me with attention and even willingness wished me to red and stay with him
11 Mr. Burch of P dined with us today we went to see Mr. Wag(ner?) Poor man he listened attentively to Mr Burch's exhortations and promised to try to pray. Staid with Miss Sally Burch
Tuesday called on Mrs. Bond
Wednesday dined with her was introduced to Mr. & Mrs. Goodwin, Miss Jilks Mrs. Williams and Mr. Smith. Judge and Mrs. Taylor called in the morning she is one of the most charming women in the world. Mr. Mpheeters came to tea with us—I slept at Mrs. Bonds with Mrs. Williams
Thursday took dinner with Mrs. Williams a good agreeable woman with whom I am much pleased. Called on Miss Gadda and Mrs. Goodwin she is a charming woman. I like her mightily.
Sat. visited at Mrs. Whites became acquainted with her family they are indeed most agreeable and interesting.
Sabbath 18 attended church this day. I re---olled the day of fasting and prayed I determined to keep one each month and I attempted to keep it. Oh God. Thou knows with what sincerity I pray thee guide me in the pathway of daily and keep me in the way of life everlasting for I am but a frail helpless mortal committing sin with every breath word and action how week are all my attainments? How many are my mercies how little my gratitude. I think I have not enjoyed so much at any time as I have this day sinse I have been in N. C. attended prayer meeting at Mr. Shaws where oh how weak how unworthy I am of favors renewed daily at the divine had I was not so divested of self as I ought to have been this evening pride that ever active busy sin was not --le oh shall I ever be able to subdue its power?
19 was introduced to Mr. Newcomb a young gentleman from N York which is now a teacher in this department. I shall not tell with half how much pleasure I saw an habitant of my own state—I have heard of national sympathy but now I feel it
Mr. Chapman from Chapel Hill the president of the University was here I was introduced to him with pleasure. As he too was from my native state. Judge Potter who last Sabbath presented his hand in the friendly manner of an old acquaintance to me (at church) who still had forgotten him and who was embarrassed at his familiarity was here and seemed an old aquaintance Mr and Mrs. Shaw Mrs. Burch and Mrs. Burch Misses B and S drank with us.
22nd Mr. Gutherie and myself drank tea at Mr. Shaws really Mr. and Mrs. Shaw are kind and affectionate they are I believe 2 of as good people as there are in the world Mr S with the most refined politeness accompanied us home.
24 On of my scholars very ill today deeply concerned for her soul I attended prayer with her felt affected but immediately went out walking with Mr. Newcomb and in conversing on our New Y friends and topics I suffered dearly to be hid from Ny view Mr. Spruill to whom I was introduced and Dr. Garland to whom he introduced me were educated at Yale. I wish to see them. Called on all my acquaintances in town almost with ???
25 a heavy rain spent the day at home in a tolerabley comfortable manner wrote journal
27 Left alone with my scholars today Mr. Newcomb having taken Mr. Mpheeters school. I felt ill was tired and low spirited called at Mr. Shaws where I feel almost at home drank tea and at coming away felt so fatigued that I hardly could get home. The least expression of kindness when I am in such a frame of spirits overcomes me and I left this excellent family with so little firmness that my eyes were scarsely dry when I left nealed home
28 I am better today fell more confidence and freedom in divine things received a card to attend Miss Taylors wedding tomorrow 115 are invited. Mr. Cradep is quite ill
29 dismissed my school at an earlier hour than usual to attend the wedding.
Went dressed plainly with MMPheeters. The night was drizzly the roads were wet and I accepted a seat in Miss Gales chair with pleasure. She was one of the attendants dressed in white satin. Arriving at Judge Taylors he came out helped us to a light and relinquishing Miss Gales arm took mine You and I said he are acquainted, Miss Nye is a stranger. And leading me up presented me to Mrs. Groves in the porch and after in the drawing room made me acquainted with Mr. Gaston (a member of Congress). I was much embarrassed but was getting over it when invited to walk in to the dressing room I unluckily dropped my handkerchief both gentlemen sprang to reach it. As the Judge presented the provoking thing I was once spreighen said he and could have reached it at one jump when I had two legs. I was confused and hope to lose no more handkerchiefs. Just before dark Mr. Sneed the bridegroom with his six attendants came up and returning to the drawing room I passed the squad and was again over powered with confusion. At 6 the seats were filled with guests Mr Mpheeters came in the room took his seat stay in the center the bride and bridegroom followed by their 12 attendants surrounded him and here the nuptial solemnities were performed in the espicopal style and the party separated. The 6 gents and ladies wore white streamers and knots were elegantly attired and seemed happy. Conversation was at times boisterous and at all times cheerful the rooms were much crowded the ladies lovely obtaining seats while the gentlemen were loungers I was introduced to several amongst whom Judge Sowel and Col. Poke were the seniors I think my ladyship never moved two bows so obsequosly low as those with which the Col. honoured me. He certainly must be polite. Mr. Deveraugh who was educated at Yale was likewise presented to me. I think him more suitable than all the rest of Carolina though a part of his chat was at the expense of Connecticut. After tea was carried round and cake of all kinds given to us.
At 11 syllabubs and sweetmeats were presented and before 12 the Judges carriage brought me off pleased with the opportunity of leaving such a profusion of elegance—
It was by far the most brilliant party I ever saw—yet I saw great many things to reprehend the vituate style of dress. Oh surely the ladies have forgotten that even dress was necessary or at least they have anything to conceal. Their backs and bosoms were all uncovered—My heart rose indignant at the sight and I saw these shameless women surrounded by the because I shrank yet further into the recess—and turning abruptly away hid my face with a handkerchief.
July 1815
High condemned for spending yesterday so idly I followed the fashion and went this morning to inquire after Mr. Sneeds health the whole town were already convened. Mr. D stepped forward and presented his hand which I after a long time accepted for my workbag was quite in the way and I could not untie the knot at entering the house another difficulty presented itself my parasol I could not let it down and was obliged to wait for another minute at last I reached the drawing room and I believe Mr. D was rejoiced at the opportunity of getting released from so troublesome a companion having paid my compliments to the bride and her charming mother I took my seat and wether a short time heard the found by observation the ladies more decent in morning dresses than in their evening ones Mrs. Sawyer who I am told captivated our venerable George Clinton appeared well this morning, she plays delightfully and the same may be said of Mrs. Hill. After taking a glass of wine and some cake we bade the ladies farewell and accepted a seat in Mr. Haywoods carriage came home to a late dinner. Oh style—I must not indulge in attending to thy demands, how much better would this day have passed had I visited the poor or the wretched. Called on Mrs Treasurer Haywood a sweet woman. Mr. Newcomb called here but I was from home. I believe I shall not be acquainted with him for I scarsely see him unless for a moment at a time. Mrs Sanders and Miss Spruill here at tea. A thunder storm in the night I thought much on divine things composed my mind and felt the balm of peace. Oh how sweet are such hours. Alas how seldom do they occur.
2nd I awoke late and went to church but felt more like this world than the next alas what a dull stupid heart I have, how it is welded to earth how few and weak are its desires after holiness. We come home in this warm climate form church at 1 oclock and stay till 5 and go again—our preacher Mr. Mpheeters is I believe a Christian he told us this day much of Justification and sanctification which he considers must be united or at least sanctification must be proceeded by justification—found during the discourse that my heart has much to do with the forbidden enjoyments of the world, of time and sense Oh for a more fervent piety. Returned to my home and retired to my own chamber and in reflecting on the prospect of eternity rejoiced in its approach looked with complacency on the moment when when my body would be laid in the tomb and with joy on the happiness of heaven. Surely these Carolinians are the most attentive and hospitable people in the world today while exchanging the friendly civilities of the place with several old gentlemen of my acquaintance to wit Mr. Shaw and Mr. Gales another venerable form presented his hand with a how do ya do Miss Nye. I answered and took the first opportunity to ask who it was—a Mr. Peck postmaster to whom I had never ever been introduced—but oh how strangely do I wander oh that I loved religion better than all below the sun
3 oh I have a heart harder that adamant no religious enjoyments this morning even while attending on prayer at the academy at our morning meeting I was cold and formal help me oh father of mercies to a better frame of spirits to a warmer devotion
This climate is fare more subject to sudden showers than ours even while it is parched up with drought—now a dark cloud lowers and the thunder rolls—I find a great many very poor people and I wish but in vain to instruct them in the way of salvation. They receive me with pleasure invite me into their hovels and listen with attention but ah I fear that I am not sufficiently anxious for the salvation of their immortal souls—Col. Barton here ah how much he reminds me of Ebenezer but who knows whether that brother so beloved now lives on if he does whether he is worthy of his sister's love—oh heaven protect him, --and his
A heavy tempest in the evening Mr Newcomb here—Mr Crudep ill I attended prayer with the family as I have frequently done felt concern but pride was in my heart yet felt great freedom of access at the throne of grace.
4 Met early with Mr. Mpheeters Methodists an babtists at the Methodist meeting house for prayer had a very good meeting M M made the first prayer MrP a babtist a 2nd Mr E Methodist 3 a stranger the 4—and we were dismissed for breakfast. I at first determined to go to judge potters to breakfast but afterward changed my mind. The Judge declared if I was so fickle he would not court me. How pregnant with ?erts is this agreeable man—Invited to dine in the family way at Mr. Shaw's and at Mr. P at a public dinner at the White cottage and at Mr. Bonds—went to hear an oration at the State house saw a great crowd of people heard a fine reader deliver read the declaration of wrights and was presented with a bunch of flowers as on oration the style was ???? ental and easy I was considerabley pleased but he in the conclusion gave such a bombastic complement to the ladies of this city that I hid my face behind my for mere shame—oh so gross a complement ought not to be repeated I spent the day a Mr. m very agreeably was introduced to Mr. Hooper a teacher of the university Edward B Freeman son of Dr F from Sandwich whom I almost claimed as cousin.—hi is very diffident but agreeable—we took a long walk up into the woods (back of the academy)whose wild and diversified appearance does honor to the sandy plains of N. Carolina.
5 Visited pleasantly at Judge Potters—surely he is a fine man and Mrs. P one of the best of women. Mr McPh with a goodness peculiar to himself came for me and accompanied me to Mr. C. I believe I was never more embarrassed that when attempting to speak my political sentiments—I could positively think of nothing to say.
I know not when I have felt greater desires of a holy life and conversation that I did today when I was called to attend in that room where last night was held a ball. Oh, surely I must search my own heart for the reason why we are yet so hardened.
Such pride of heart! Such love of the world? So many sinful propensities and desires! Surely, I am not fit to enter the abode of rest and if it were not that one drop of the Saviours cleanseth all sin I would have no hope oh how many mercies have I experienced. I am ungrateful Pride Pride Pride Oh my heart! What have you to raise this disgraceful passion.
6 Returning from morning prayer I called on a poor black woman whose piety I fellowshiped with Joy. Oh that I may be useful. Mr. Fisher called upon me before breakfast and I gave him a Carolina farewell.
Received an invitation to join a party at Mr. S. Haywood but the prayer meetin at Mr. Shaws prevented. Dined at Mr. Shaws with Judge and Mrs. Potter. Mr. & Mrs. Daniel, Mrs. G Mr. and Mrs. C and Miss and Mrs. B.
We had an elegant a splendid dinner After School went to Mrs. Shaws who gave us an excellent dish of tea and we rose and had but a few moments time to venerate ourselves before prayers began. Mrs. Ps son fell from his horse and of course her spirits were at the lowest ebb as she left – she is a charmeing woman. Mr. M opened the meetin with singing and prayer followed by Mrs. S a Methodist and Mr. Bagsdale of the same persuasion. Mr. McP then rose and gave us the best exhortation I ever heard him deliever. Mr. Peck a babtist followed with prayer and Mr. Evans a Methodist concluded the meeting –oh if one evil passion which destroyed my peace whil here be not expunged how can I run with success the more set before me. I never realized the beauty of Watts so much as I did this evening.
8 Mr. Newcomb spent the afternoon here. I am most extremely glad that it hath pleased God to place us both in this Academy and hope we may both be useful to the academy and (surety) for each other.
Felt after I retired to my own room great earnestness in prayer for this benighted land and for my dear pupils particularly. Lord If, I am not faithful oh make me so. Ho little do I follow the example of Jesus. Oh Pride! Pride!
9th Awoke very late and with a mind little prepared for prayer. Oh when shall I live more devoted to Christ. Attended with my girls at the Academy as usual of the Sabbath morning. Felt great anxiety for their immortal souls! Oh when I think of meeting them at the bar of God how anxious ought I to be to exhort them in faith in Jesus and repentence towards God—oh let me useful God of mercy I pray.
Sat 15
Many interesting things have occurred this week but they float like bubbles in my mind. Home! Home! Oh my home! Enjoyed more of the presence of God the past week than I have for a long period past. Oh how sweet is the divine presence. May I always feel the drawings of the holy spirit. I am I feel that I am but dust the least of creatures yet I know that there is help in Jesus forever the most abject sinner and humbly desire to look to him for remission of sins and conformity of spirit oh that my heart may be perfectly humble and lowly a follower of the lovely Jesus.
Oh that I may spend and be spent in his service –oh that my future days may be given exclusively to his service. May his glory and the general good be the first wish of my heart.
Went to McPheeters and left them without any other than a silent adieu. Oh I am not homesick, but the remembrance of home and all its joys opens all the sluiceways of tenderness.
I am weak, weak as an infant but perhaps were the circumstances duly appreciated few would censure. I rejoiced that God knew my heart.
Mrs. Bond took me out rideing with her but it was no in amusements power to exhillerate my spirits. The country near the town is an ancient forest bearing no marks of cultivation.
At evening attended prayer with the family but a slight circumstance weighed down my mind and I felt but little access to the throne of grace.
16 Awakened before the day dawned and recollecting the examples of our Saviour. I arose and attended prayer, felt more clearness of access to the throne of Grace than I have at sometimes and experienced the blessings of prayer. Oh who that knew would lived without prayer? What an inexpressible pleasure is there in addressing of my lord and saviour and make the poor my companions let me seek the glory of my god and the the general good more than my own pleasure –oh for more realizing views of eternity of heaven and hell oh for more evidences of my union to the dear son of God.
Attended Baptist meeting at 3 o'clock hear Mr. Cradeph preach a good practical sermon. Walked home with Mr. Shaw and family and there to the state house were we scarcely arrived before the rain began to poor oh this is a strange climate, so much heavy thunder a shower rises so suddenly here and even while the sun shines. Thunder seems to rock the earth to its center, even now through the moon shines sweetly serene and the stars glitter yet a pile of clouds having off at the south over whose dark bosom the broad is rapidly darting. Oh perhaps I shall never see the light of another day—May heaven fit me its bless and whitened from my transgressions in the blood of Christ present be at its bar.
Oh, my parents, my brothers, my sister Mr. Cradeph preached 2 sermons Mr. M a third during which was a heavy thunderstorm. My heart this evening wandered. If God was not merciful where would be my hopes. Lord expose to my view this wicked heart of mine Oh cleanse it and purify it. I beseech thee a being who is omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent as a father and friend! I know my unworthiness but yet I trust that God for Jesus' sake will condescend to be my friend.
Awoke late in the morning with a most delightful reflection on the blessings of the Sabbath. Oh this is the morning on which our beloved savior broke the chains of the grave. Oh that we his disciples may live near him that may enjoy the benefits of his incarnation. Before I rose I read the first hymn of watts and realized its sentiments more than I ever did one of the production of that author before.
Oh what a delightful prospect before a saint—the glory of heaven the praise of the Lamb. Attended meeting had great desires for the salvation of the whole congregation but fear my heart was not right in the sight of God. Oh for more pure and holy affections oh for a heart more perfectly devoted to God. Seldom have been able to join with more fervency in prayer than at this time yet felt that I was unworthy and of course hardly dared to look for a blessing Oh how full of weakness is the human heart not ever a single action of mine looks like holiness oh the crucified redeemer were it not for him where should I appear! Surely I am not vile. Invited out to dine twice today but desire to avoid temptation and prefer a plain dinner at home to an elegant one abroad. Called on poor Mrs. Spikes and read to her. Oh let me follows the example
18 Oh, Pride, pride. Surely of all beings I have the least to do with thee. I feel that sun has concealed the face of God from my view. Oh for a more humble heart. Dined at Judge Potters was introduced to Mary Hinton.
Called at M. M ate some most excellent pears.
Mrs. Potter is surely one of the best women and Judge P most agreeable of men, but there are no better women than Mrs. Gutherie, Mrs. Mcpheeters and Mrs. Cradeph drank tea at Mrs Shaws was invited to form acquaintance with the several babtist preachers introduced to Mrs. Browning Blunt, and Wiland the former of whom is a strict Babtist and appears truly pious was one remarkable wild by his own description a hard sinner but by free grace he was made to see his lost state and for several days almost despaired as to use his own expression it appeared impossible that God consistent with justice his darling attribute could save such a rebel. Yet he was pleased to unfold the way of life in Jesus Christ and give him that comfort the world knoweth not of. At Mrs. Bonds at prayer meeting introduced to Mr. Rooso a venerable old man who to me appeared like the apostles of old so good so excellent. Mr. Newcomb is quite ill oh how near his coming from the same state makes him appear.
Surely, I feel as much for him as I do for many relatives for he like me is as a stranger he is ? in a hopeless decline—but he is not ?ible of his danger & I feel deeply affected at the idea of losing his society
Mr Cradeps woman servant lost a child to day of 2 years old –
19 I am now dressed for the wedding of Miss Nancy Peace. I dismissed my scholars 1 hour earlier than usual to attend. Oh am I as near ready for the wedding of the last day—have I done as much in a comparative view for the Judgement as for this wedding night am I as fit for one as the other. Oh how trifling is time compared with eternity and I who daily fell evidences within my own bosom of final dissolution savely ought to seek a preparation. I am feeble my flesh and spirit are both weak. Sometimes I am all animation – now I am languid. The thunder rolls heavily the rain descends the lighting flashed grimly across the dark horizon I believe I should be happier at home in bed reflecting on my future prospects than in the resort of gaiety. Conversed with a poor Negro who lame and old nightly limps past our house with a basket in one hand a cane in the other while a bunch of sticks gathered from the woods weigh down his venerable gray head. He seemed so grateful for my enquiries after the state of his soul that it really gave me pleasure his profession is Presbyterianism. Oh! His soul may be whiter that mine. I often call upon the poor negresses they seem always busy some look quite nice and speak the language of Canaan. Others are dirty ragged and ignorant yet they all seem grateful for my friendship. One by whose hut I often pass looked so pale and thin that I took an interest in her and sometimes called and now with the softest voice the most speaking manner she often addresses me and presents with a cheerful hand the tribute of ripe fruits. She is a professor.
The wedding was elegant the company gay. It rained when Mr. Newcomb and myself went but we were received with pleasure and treated attention. Miss Peace had 4 bridesmaids. Mr. M stood in the center and the bride had her husband on the one hand and the bridemen on the other. She looked sweet at the rose covered with morning dew so pious, so good, Mr. N and my self have become almost cousins. Was introduced to Misses Cook Bathman and Lane. Slept at Mr. Shaws.
19th drank tea at Mr McPheeters called on the bride before dinner; as I had been through a heavy thunderstorm to the wedding. I thought it improper to permit a slight shower to keep me from prayer meeting was introduced to Mrs. King, Mrs and Miss Comers. The meeting was happy. Oh! Would to heaven I had a heart always devoted to God. Went home with Judge and Mrs. Potter. The close of the evening was a beautiful as the commencement was disagreeable. The moon shone delightfully. The air was balm. Mr. Potter makes an excellent prayer. They are both professors, happy couple!
21st Mr. C child sick. Dined splendidly with Mr. Potter where every nicety that could court the palate was displayed. Our party was principally compound of professors. Compound of 12 or 13 guests happy and interested in each other was invited to a large party at Mrs. Pulhams but engaged at Mrs. Potters. I spent the evening with her. She appears to be one of the most friendly woman in the world. She with Judge Potter accompanied me home. Found Mr. C child some better. Introduced to Dr. Battle.
22 A day of adventures. After calling upon Mrs. M. where I breakfasted. I called at Mrs. John Haywoods, Mrs. Shaws, Mrs. Cooks and at Mrs. Cards, the latter are plain old people living in a log house but they keep an excellent garden and the old lady is pious ----- After dinner being dull and sleepy I took upon my bonnet and went out for a walk and entering a small house where poverty reigned over her votaries with undisputed sway. I took up the bible and read to them they were truly attentive and grateful after hearing my lecture I bade them good bye and was about leaving them when a poor wretched woman begged me to go and see her daughter a poor abandoned girl at the next house. My heart revolted at the thought for it was a house of well known infamy, but I could not refuse the petition so followed and in silent reflection I took a seat close at the door for some how. I had a dreadful disgust at the people and could scarsely help looking to see whether they would attempt some violence—the poor lost girl from some time refused to say any thing to me but at last I proposed attending prayer with them when she appeared deeply affected her mother wrung her hands and some times appeared to be almost in despair Oh said she I am sometimes afraid to go to sleep lest I wake in hell and again she said it appeared as if heaven would set even her very grave on fire. God knows my heart oh may he pity and forgive all that he sees amiss. While in this detestable brothel I felt fearful lest my conduct might be misconstrued by a unserious world. Mrs. C increased this fear by some remarks and then sent for the poor wretch whom I found by the second interview to be one of the vilest of the vile but can the vices of this or any other wretch corrupt the integrity of those who seek to turn them to the way of peace. God is able to cleanse away all sin.
Mr. N spent the evening here. He is certainly a very fine man. I started to go to meeting but returned. Mr. Cradep thinks of a jaunt to the spring of Virginia. Mrs. C opposed. My dear said he if you love me you will not hinder me, if a man were to offer me 1100 dollars it would not prevent my going but you can prevent it. He si one of the best husbands of one of the best wives in America.
Sunday 23 awoke cold and languid went to the academy with my girls and in reading and meditation and prayer. Experienced a ray of comfort, bright as the morning beam.. Oh I was almost happy. But alas soon it was with drawn and for the whole day through restrained from out breaking sins I was as one dead to divine life Oh that I could live nearer to God Oh for warm piety. As I returned from afternoon church alone. Mrs. ClenDenning an aged and singular sat in his porch. I had often felt a wish for an introduction but none offered now he spoke Will you come? In said he I believe your name is Nye.' I answered in the affirmative and he presented me to his wife and invited me to call and visit them.
This evening with Dr. Battle at the Methodist house my heart was cold as a rock as hard as adamant I felt nothing as I ought. While some should I looked and wondered. As I come out I expressed my surprise and Judge Potter with great good nature bade me hold my tongue. I had no thought of answer but the caution had its effect. I fear some might have been wounded but I had no thought of harm. Oh what a hardened heart.
24 Surely I have a heart of stone for I grope in darkness. Oh for the light of Gods countenance. I have a great deal of pride. This evening Dr. B called and I felt an almost inconquerable aversion to attend prayer. Yet I was enabled to sin some sort. After school walked out with Mr. Newcomb and Dr. B -- a singular gamble.
25 breakfasted with Mrs shaw and rode out before school with Mrs. Burch.
But my heart has really been made glade to day with a letter from home Oh God I fear I am not thankfulf or thy favors though I kneel and do it formally I
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Mr. C down in the country I attened prayer as I often do with the family Oh my heart was right in the sight of God.
26th Visited with Judge and Mrs. P and Mr. Clendennings agreeably.
27th breakfasted at Mrs. Shaws invited to spend the day or rather evening at Judge P but too ill. Oh what a heart I have.
Walked down to Dr. Beckwiths and I dined with Dr. Battle a good natured sort of a man. And I walked back with Mr. Newcomb. Who dined there with me. The D is wonded and when I went to tea suffered me to
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When nothing was ever further from my thoughts. But I must not think such things Oh how much more necessary is an interest in Christ.
27th I fear the candor of my disposition is giving place to an odious deceit for I have spoken many fine things of a certain person until I almost believe that they are my sentiments.
Called with Dr. Battle at Judge Potters and afterward on Mrs. Shaw alone. Had great fears that I was pursuing the downward road. Oh heaven preserve me called at Mrs. Hays dates
It is now nine o clock and I am sitting up alone except the servants with Mrs. C who is ill. Dr. B with great politeness kept me company he is a man of much acquired knowledge.
28th Attended as usual with my scholars at the Academy felt great freedom of prayer and experienced great comfort. But at the Methodist house I enjoyed no access at the throne of grace my mind was confused and fatigued under the most indifferent mass of ideas ever flung together. I have great reason to mistrust my heart. Oh if God withdraws his notracents from me where am I? I fear my heart is not really changed oh what an ungrateful being I am --my mind is totally given (at times) to vanity. Oh for the greeting influences of the holy spirit. Oh for a temper more conformable to the profession I have made? I lift up my mind to heaven in prayer and turn to vanity. Oh must I wait till some dreadful judgement overwhelms me till death enter my family or sounds at my own door. Oh stubborn heart.
29 Awakened this morning by the screeches of a poor female slave who was flying from the whip of an enraged master. Oh I never witnessed such a scene. Father of mercies guard my heart and keep me from the seductions of evil—Oh how callous are the hearts of this people surely they can have but little hope of mercy when they show none. I will not I cannot tell what I felt when the poor girl screeches the morning awakened me passed the breakfast room her neck torn and bloody her eye swollen and ___ Oh a day of retributive gesture! I live it is said with one of the best of masters? I feel but little like myself in this land. Oh the in delicacy the s – king indelicacy to which I am every moment exposed. Ladies without handkerchiefs children without even a screen Oh I fell all the embarrassement all the confusion which a criminal exposure can bring upon a delicated mind. My bosom swell my eyes flash indignant but nobody cares. The ladies will sit in presence of a male child without a single blush even while gentlemen are in the same room Oh the force of education
30 Breakfasted at Mr McPheeters.
31st at Mrs Brickell at breakfast a delightful place back in the country ½ mile from the state house on the brow of a delightful hill surrounded by beautiful shades.
3rd Next Sabbath Sacraments this evening at prayer meeting Oh that God would pour out his spirit upon me and remove this spiritual darkness under which I labor. My mind is not at ease. I fear I am yet in the gall of bitterness and bonds of inquiety Oh appear for me Saviour of Men take out this flinty heart of mine and give me a new heart—Oh deliever me from the servise of sin deliver me from myself father forgive me—I would live free from the world but aI am drawn away by its swarms. Oh the Lords supper. Walked down with Mr. N and with my ususal excentricity ???? him from attending me home and accepted the protection of Dr. B and Miss Lee as we returned passed a Negro prayer meeting Oh may not their souls be whiter than mine. Their singing was delightful.. Long after I came into my own room I heard their shouting.
4th breakfasted with my dear Mrs. Potter in her beautiful arbour it is situated in the center of a most delightful garden and shaded in a charming manner by bamboo white jasmine and everblooming pea. I never saw so delightful a place walked to school accompanied by the Rev. Wm hall DD. I felt confusted and embarrassed but to no purpose.
5 early in the morning Mrs. Potter called for me to ride out we went quite in the country with which I was delighted. Hills and dales enclosed and cultivated. The morning would have passed charmingly but I was ill and returned to much fatigued to go out again—at 11 o clock went to the state house to hear Drl Hall give a sermon, preached 65 minutes very well but so low that I was little improved yet the blame was mine. Dined at Mr. McPheeters. Called at Mr. Shaws whose family have been ill. Returned much fatigued Mr. Newcomb her in the evening went to hear a lecture at the state house from w M it was very well indeed. Oh that all of us may be prepared to come with hearts of faith in the living God through Christ. Received a token on small card of this do in remembrance of me for admittance for tomorrows servant. Oh how solemn the scene of tomorrow will be.—but I fear I do not sufficiently realize it. Felt considerable freedom in prayer Oh god is above all to be praised.
Sunday 5th A delightful morning feel as though the sacrement is an undeserved mercy—yet long to come near the table Oh may I hope to find acceptance in the beloved---Will Christ in very deed come and dwell with men will he who is equal with the father condescend to be formed within this heart of mine replete as it is with vanity and sin—oh the height the depths the breadth of the love of God—I think this is the day on which our church at home commune—do we that bold communion together are no even hundreds and perhaps thousands at this moment preparing their minds for this solemn scene. But oh my soul what preparation art thou making thou knows thyself a sinner in thought in word and deed true but though my sins be scarlet the blood of the lamb slain from the foundation of the wolrd cleanseth all sin. My soul oh exult in the mercy of the Most High exult in the righteousness of Christ which is accepted in lieu of thine.
2 oclock I have been to church have taken my seat at the communion table and received again the tokens of the death and suffering of the Redeemer Oh twas a scene so solemn so impressive. I trust I shall never forget but as I fervently prayed so I trust it may be given to me to live more devoted to God more mindful of his holy law and more engaged in his service—In walking home with Dr. B. I felt the intention of choosing my society soley of my own profession but I desire to have communion with all societies of professing Christians. Ant to live as though I was a citizen of the world as well as of thine [Amen]Oh my home my parents.
7th At evening went to meeting with Dr. B and another-a warm and animated preacher Mr. Daniel gave us a sermon with which the audience seemed much delighted. Had many thoughts but fear improper ones. The room was crowded with black and white the candles one after another gave out the preacher seemed to entend a long descourse people were some of them much distressed and several came forward to be prayed for the three remaining candles began to glimmer in their sockets one went out we were about (I feared) to be left in the dark land I as a long way from the Dr I was not fit to sway and fear my meatting was of little consequence
8th A party here at dinner was introduced to the rev Mr. Biddle Mr. B and saw Gen Simpson. Miss Horton and the Misses Lane Oh I am unworthy why am I not more fervent at eh throne of grace.
9th Received a letter form home Miss Sa informing of the health of friends I fear I was not form my heart suffiecently thoughtful. Drank tea at Mrs. potters with Mr. Mangum --called at Mr. Emonds
10th dined at Mr McPheeters called at Mrs. Whites where I breakfasted yesterday –called on Mrs. Gales who has just returned from Washington city and has been favored with and introduction to most of the principal characters of the celebrated place.
Drank tea with Mrs. Mcpheeters where we held a prayer meeting a sever thunderstorm the rain much needed at the drought is severe crops much inured and diseases apprehened—
11th Mr Magnum left school this evening uncertain whether he shall return or not. I was much distressed at the thought
12 I finished my selections from the old testament this day. Much to my satisfaction call on Mr McP sa w field of cotton in full blossum some red others white. Stalk on rather bush about 3-fr feet high.
Mrs. Yancey died this afternoon happy in the prospect of heaven Oh how I ought to remain myself to see whether I am in the faith or not—I much fear that in the midst of levity as I am I shall not other sufficiently to the things that make for my everlasting peace
13 I am this day 25 Oh God of mercy help me this holy sabbath to be in thy spirit help me to keep the day in fasting and prayer oh that I may for a few days I have to live spend them in the service of God I have returned from meeting but Oh I fear it was not but proof of my weakness that is fated this morning to prove oh my weakness I lost a pocketbk in the house where I attended the funeral my spirit was discomposed for a moment and not being able to collect my girls in marching order I walked to the grave in great confusion Oh I trust as I think of my lost handkerchief I shall be humbled at the grave. They sang a hymn and made a short prayer but they in haste let down the coffin too suddenly and putting no straw upon it the clods of earth rattled terribly.
The End.